Bereavement

There is an enormous amount of stress incurred when going through a major loss or bereavement so you can be quite vulnerable to to minor health problems. No one can take the stress out of the situation, but there are certain things we can do to prevent that stress from having a harmful effect upon us.

Looking After Yourself Following Bereavement

• Be kind to yourself.  Do what you want and what you need.  Don't let anyone, however well intentioned, bully you into making decisions that don't seem right to you.
• Be busy.  Try to occupy yourself with everyday tasks, go to libraries, exhibitions or take long walks.  Although difficult at first, try to meet people as this will help you reorient your life which in turn will help your confidence to return.
• Be patient, don't rush into making decisions, there is no need to hurry.  Allow the momentum of life to carry you along until you are a little bit stronger and ready to make good, considered decisions.
• Food  -  often we may feel disinclined to eat much, so when we do then it should be something that is easy to digest and we enjoy.  If you know that your diet is unbalanced, then you may want to take some vitamins or mineral supplements.
• Exercise  -  you are unlikely to feel like beginning an exercise routine, so the easiest thing is to set aside some time each day for a brisk walk.  Psychologically, exercise is good for you, plus you will begin to relate to the outside world once more.
• Sleep  -  often after a loss or bereavement we react in one or two ways  -  either we find it extremely hard to get to sleep or we sleep all the time as if shutting out the world.  If having problems sleeping then relaxation combined with a basic visualisation can induce sleep.  Also the old tried and tested methods such as a warm drink and/or a relaxing bath immediately before bedtime will help.

When a Young Adult Experiences the Death of a Parent

Elizabeth Kubler-Ross said “children are often the forgotten ones”

It should not be forgotten that young adults are very often still half child, very much in need of parental support, love and guidance.  Adolescence by itself is a difficult time and the added loss of a parent is often too much for such a youngster to endure.  However, few feel comfortable talking about a dead parent when this is actually what the youngster most requires.

Feelings

Together with fear of the future and survival of the family come the feelings of responsibility and of blame. There is also the terrifying feeling of being out of control - the powerlessness is intolerable. For all these reasons, it is essential that young adults should be listened to and allowed to ventilate whatever feelings they are experiencing, however hurtful, unfeeling or selfish they may seem to be in the opinions of others. Guilt, anger, hurt and plain sadness are just some of the feelings.

Loss of Youth

It is common for the young adult to unconsciously take on the role of parent as well as trying to be like them.  This involves caring, sometimes even adopting dead parent's walk, posture and mannerisms.  However, being someone doesn't help to come to terms with missing them, or to incorporate their importance to the child and the child's love for them.

It is also confusing having to 'become' your mother or your father at exactly the time when you are trying to work out who you are in your own right.

The shift in roles, eg. looking after younger brothers and sisters, plus father or mother, creates an awareness of what has been specifically lost. These extra tasks often take precedence over being young, doing youthful things and just having fun, and with the effect this has, the young person may become angry and resentful or withdrawn and depressed. The role change also allows the young person to put emphasis on working rather than studying but more importantly it fills time and does not allow for grieving. The pressures on young people make it particularly hard to grieve at the time, and therefore leaves them extremely vulnerable to delayed or denied grief. Here are some consequences:

• When a mother dies, the secure base of their child's world goes.
• When a father dies, role model, advisor, guider, encourager, arguer goes (these may interchange and overlap).
• Financial insecurity may result and the need to work rather than to continue education may be there.
• The young person may attempt to step into the dead parent's shoes, often quite unconsciously and may be because the bereaved parent is unable to function as usual, and therefore grief is delayed. This may minimise pain of loss by minimising the impact of parent's absence. Ultimately they cannot be protected from the impact of death. The gap has to be faced and this only delays it.
• Sometimes the dead parent was the one doing all the parenting and realisation that the remaining parent is not all they were thought to be, is incredibly painful.
• Equally the dead parent may have been neglectful, critical and unsupportive while alive and by dying may rouse great longings in the young adult for the very opposite characteristics from those they actually embodied. Death of an aggressive or distant parent can make the young adult crave still more fore the dream-parent who would nurture and protect. The sadness and let-down feeling is enhanced by the parent dying. The possibility of ever having those things has gone forever.
• The remaining parent may change enormously and in some cases inevocably. There may be weight loss or gain, loss of interest in appearance, reversion to childish or adolescent behaviour. They may exhibit vulnerability, loss of strength, dependability, etc and all this is very alarming to the bereaved young adult.
• Sometimes a shrine is made, ie the memory so frantic to keep is rarely the memory of the real flesh and blood, good/bad person who lived.
• Often the young adult behaves in a hurtful manner and saying hurtful things to the remaining parent, perhaps because there is even a kind of comfort to be had from being the one to inflict the pain rather than to have it inflicted.  There is a sense of control instead of the dreadful feeling of impotence that comes with a parent's death.
• Especially in teens and twenties, there is a tremendous desire and need to be in control of own life, of own destiny, of own thoughts and feelings.  As this is whipped away suddenly, this desire and need can take the young adult over.  They can become a prisoner of desire for control because 'out of control' is terrifying.

Fears

• The main fear everyone has when someone dear dies, is that their memory will fade away to nothing. This is not different with young adults and very often they are unable to verbalise this, because it seems to them unforgivable and unthinkable.
• The thought that there will be no-one to go to for comfort, understanding, advice, etc.
• Fear of the family ceasing to be a family, not holding together, becoming fragmented.
• Fear that the other parent will find someone else and that the dead parent will cease to figure.

Some guidelines to help bereaved young adults

• Talk openly about dead parents.
• Allow ventilation as often and as long as necessary.
• Take slowly through last memories.
• Talk about frightening realisation of the finality of death  -  feelings, thoughts and fears.
• Look at photographs, old and new.
• Encourage memories, good and bad.  This is important so that parent is not idealised unrealistically.
• Suggest an item, possibly clothing or a small article, that is closely associated with parent, to hold or cuddle.  It helps to reduce the awful distance there seems to be.
• Talk about the relationship the person had with the parent, encourage reality.
• Allow and encourage verbalisation of anger, hurt against dead and living parent.
• Talk about the present - possibly current education or work situation, the problems connected with these, the hopes and fears.
• Talk about the future - planning new life without one parent, friends and relationships.
• Talk about the rest of the family members.  Allow and encourage ventilation of any worries about these members.
• Allow and respect 'the child' to show itself and respect the adult.

In Dr Jeremy Royds we have vast experience in helping with bereavement reactions. We also have leaflet on 'Helping with Bereavement' - if you would like us to send you this, please get in touch and we will be happy to do so.